fi's silly nonsense

it's been a long time coming... again

2009-02-18T15:50:00.003+09:00

i'm obviously not an avid blogger. my track record of posts shows this to be true. yet... every now and again i get the urge to pen my thoughts down.. well, in this case, 'type' would be more correct.. :) i guess that's why i keep this blog going..

so much has happened in the last few years of my life, and it's sad in some way that all i have to show for it are these few meagre posts (and almost always gloomy in some way or another).

so. updates.

1
i need to change the url for my blog.. THIS blog..
'future architect' is now pretty irrelevant, seeing as i'm probably not going to be an architect.. :p don't ask me what i'm going to be instead cos right now the future's so unclear i don't even know what's going to happen next week. (apart from the 3day KL field trip that's a definite event. heh.)

2
i'm in my last semester of an undergraduate bachelor's degree course in architecture. i'm not sure if i'm going to come out of it alive-and-kicking, or alive-but-crawling, or if i'll even come out alive. but as i've said to some, i'm gonna try to make this last one worth my while.

as such. i've undertaken a music module that's smashingly fun (literally. we hit on various drums and sticks and all manner of instruments as tutorials.. :)..) and i've come to a realisation.. i'm loving music more and more, and perhaps i shouldn't have given up the piano oh-so-long-ago. but life shouldn't be wasted on regrets yes? so i've resolved. i'm finally going to go sign up for those lessons i've been procrastinating.

3
i'm being given an opportunity to reevaluate my life, my priorities, my habits, and to decide which are good enough to keep, which need improvement, and which should be discarded... cos rie's getting married, and there'll be one more member added to the family, and nat and saff are moving back to singapore and back home with us.

it's like the cumulation of everything - my graduation, having to decide what i want to do with my life... and that to be fair to me, everyone else in the family's having life-changing shifts at around the same time.. i don't know if it'll be too overwhelming for everyone.. having to deal with a newly graduated, unemployed, extra mouth to feed, whilst having to deal with a new son/brother/uncle, with the apartment having to now accommodate 8people again (from the current 4), and that these are issues to be dealt with amidst the other more pressing ones like moving and wedding arrangements! it's like these are all pieces that fit together into one crazy ass family drama serial. :) "The Choos", two-hour long special.. except that instead of two hours, it'll span across an entire year... :p

all this makes for a very exciting year ahead.. not to mention unpredictable, stressful, nerve-wrecking, head-splitting, hair-pulling..!!!

suffice to say.. we're gonna have alot on our plates this 2009. :)

4
i've been singing.
anybody who's close to me knows i've been singing, and only those who are close to me would bother stopping by to read my rants/ramblings. so i'm sure you guys all know. :) and although the pay's been cut, and the number of sets' been cut, and we've only a pitiful audience each week, i must say this is one of the most rewarding things i've ever done..

there are perhaps few things in my life i can say i'm truly proud of, that make me feel i have a 'purpose', that get me all excited, or that increase my self-worth.

being good at maths and loving it is one. i get excited at the mere prospect of having to work on a maths problem (only easy ones now though, seeing as i'm out of touch). :p

being sociable and able to talk to anyone about (almost) anything, and be genuinely interested in what they have to say is another.

being great at pictionary, drawing under the stress of a time limit, being able to think on my feet (at least up until my sisters boycotted me, saying i memorised all the cards...) might have been another.. :)

but i believe singing is one of the few things, if not the only one, that makes me believe i was brought into this world for a reason.. that i might actually make a difference in people's lives somehow, however slight, by touching them with song...

and i'm really glad that i'm now able to share this amazing gift i've been given with more people.. i've been blessed, and i'm just so thankful, and grateful, and ever so humbled by the experiences this has brought me.. and maybe rie's right.. maybe i should go into religious music.. or maybe not.. all i know is, everyone's supposed to make something of their lives... and for me, at this point, i feel like i've finally found my 'something'... :)

so i ask God to help us get through it all unscathed, and thank Him for being here for us every step of the way.. and for bringing us all back together and back to Him again...
so.. i sign off with these two songs as a tribute.. (and very nice songs too, if i may add)...

On The Side of Me by Corrinne May

I'm not the easiest person to love
I'm often the one who lets things
Go unresolved

Yet you choose to be
On the side of me
On the side of me
Yeah you choose to be on the side of me
On the side of me

I'm not too proud of some things
I've done in my life
The skeletons in my closet
Are too big for me to hide

Yet you choose to be
On the side of me
On the side of me
Blessed Charity
You're on the side of me
On the side of me

'Cause everyone needs a friend to hold
When it's cold outside
And there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
All alone I cried
There was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
But you

I'm not the easiest person to love
But you, you've opened your heart to show me
What I'm worth

'Cause you choose to be
On the side of me
On the side of me
What a mystery
You're on the side of me
On the side of me

'Cause everyone needs a friend to hold
When it's cold outside
And there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
All alone I cried
There was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
I remember when nobody cared
Nobody cared
But you...

Yeah you choose to be
On the side of me
On the side of me

* * * * *

On My Way by Corrinne May

I'm far away from what I've known
And there's static on the radio
Just a girl in a car on a lonely highway
I've been up and down this winding road
It's getting dark, the stores are closed
The map is wrinkled, my coffee's turned to grey

But I'm on my way, I'm on my way
There seems to be no end in sight
But I know I'll be alright
'Cos I'm on my way, I'm on my way
Sweet embrace, I'm on my way

So many beat-up cars on this dirt road
I see them sputter and start to choke
How many miles must I go till I rest in your grace?
I feel like giving up and letting go
Let the world invade my mind, my soul
Will this road make me a sinner or a saint?

But I'm on my way, I'm on my way
There seems to be no end in sight
But I know I'll be alright
'Cos I'm on my way, I'm on my way
Don't give up on me, I'm on my way

I can picture your smiling face
Your arms stretched to hold me
Waiting there by the gate
If I ever get lost, I know that you'll find me
There's a cross on the hill
Saying, "Do not be afraid"

I'm on my way
If I keep you in my sight
I know I'll be alright

'Cos I'm on my way, I'm on my way
There seems to be no end in sight
But I know I'll be alright
'Cos I'm on my way, I'm on my way
Don't give up on me, I'm on my way

I'm on my way

it's been a long time coming

2008-06-06T17:55:00.002+09:00

so. i've been away (from blogging at least) for... almost 9months? seeing as i'll be embarking on a whole new adventure in a couple of days.. i figured now's as good a time as any other for jumping back aboard the blogging ship.

it's been a hectic few months.. first the last couple of months of my stay in korea... which i miss terribly right now.. then the next couple of months this semester... slogging away for RIBA Part I...

now i'm all through with that. and ready to begin the next chapter:

Architecture Year 4 Semester 1.

yet. before i embark on that journey, there's another one more pressing (and definitely more exciting) that awaits me in the coming week. at any mention of it being "5weeks" everyone seems to have the same thought... of it being a grad trip... well. it isn't a grad trip if i ain't graduating is it? so... it's a third year trip. :)

thus, with each opportunity i get (at a cyber cafe or a friend's laptop and dorm internet access) i will be updating you, my dearest friends and relatives, of the exciting adventures that await me in Europe.

and in usual fashion, i sign off with lyrics to two songs i love so very much.. the first from one of my favourite musicals.. and the second.. one of the nicest musical songs....

Now That I've Seen Her from "Miss Saigon"

It's alright
It's alright if I just imagine
She's not here, she's not real
And I can tell myself it's all okay

But she's real
And my heart cries this isn't happening
But the truth is cold and real
And I know this storm won't go away

Now that I've seen her
There's no way to hide
She is not some fling from long ago
Now that I've seen her
I know why he lied
And I think it was better when I didn't know

In her eyes
In her voice
In the heat that filled the air
Part of him still lingers there

I know what pain her life today must be
But if it all comes down to her or me
I don't care
I swear I'll fight

Now that I've seen her
She's more than a name
I don't hate this girl even so
Now that I've seen her
I can't stay the same
Who's this man that I've trusted?
Now I have to know

As If We Never Said Goodbye by Barbara Streisand

I don't know why I'm frightened
I know my way around here
The cardboard trees, the painted seas, the sound here
Yes! A world to rediscover
But I'm not in any hurry
And I need a moment

The whispered conversations
In overcrowded hallways
The atmosphere as thrilling here as always
Feel the early morning madness
Feel the magic in the making
Why! Everything's as if we never said goodbye

I've spent so many mornings
Just trying to resist you
I'm trembling now, you can't know how I've missed you
Missed the fairytale adventures
In this ever-spinning playground
We were young together

I'm coming out of makeup
The lights already burning
Not long until the cameras will start turning
And the early morning madness
And the magic in the making
Yes! Everything's as if we never said goodbye

I don't want to be alone
That's all in the past
This world's waited long enough
I've come home at last

And this time will be bigger
And brighter than we knew it
So watch me fly, we all know I can do it
Could I stop my hand from shaking
Has there ever been a moment
With so much to live for

The whispered conversations
In overcrowded hallways
So much to say, not just today but always
We'll have early morning madness
We'll have magic in the making
Yes, everything's as if we never said goodbye

Oh please
Don't ever, ever make me say
Goodbye

just some photos...

2007-09-13T21:44:00.000+09:00

anything i can do to cheer myself up...

emotional fuckwittage

2007-09-13T18:03:00.000+09:00

on a much less noble level of thought (self-absorption, to be more accurate) than my last entry... i have come to realise (high time i did too...) what an emotional fuckwit i am.

to quote one of my favourite fictional characters of all time... everything i do.. and allow myself to think or feel.. everything i stupidly allow through my heart's walls... it's all emotional fuckwittage.

and i wish i had nothing to do with it. wish i could just.. block it all out. but there's something dysfunctional about my personal firewall... argh.

okokokokokokok.

enough of all that. emotional fuckwittage though it may be, everyone has to deal with it. and if everyone else can somehow survive dealing with it, then i can too. if not with a little difficulty.

so.

just a few updates on my EXCITING life here in korea..

currently taking (confirmed) 5 modules.. Design, History of Western Architecture, Construction Management (my three compulsory modules..), Korean for Foreigners, and General Structure.

As you all already know.. what with all my gushing... my design tutor is cute. my history tutor is brilliant/lovely (she has a BRIT accent!!! and brit humour and sarcasm and charm and... etc. :p). my construction management tutor is funny/interesting (he types on a word document as he speaks.. so that we can understand him. both us singaporeans AND koreans. :p).

Our korean tutor is a REAL expert on the english language!!! gosh. not that i'm any gauge to go by but.. IN ANY CASE, i didn't even know HALF the stuff about the english language that she explains in class.. in comparison to korean. ahhaha.. (that was a slight quip at her expense.. she says "in any case" like... a million times in a lesson. :p) korean's been a blast. :p i swear i love learning languages. really really think i might be in the wrong degree course. :p

General structure is cool. (cos my cute guy takes it.. haha..) the tutor (the ONLY reason i wanted to take this module... cute guy taking it is a mere bonus. *sheepish grin*) was the structural engineer for Taipei 101.. and he's really... well... he REALLY knows his stuff! and it's a case of... us all (4 of us take this.. harvey, chaur jyh, co seng and i) already knowing the basics.. but... it's still enriching.. and we're still learning new stuff... :) it's cool. (not to mention the fact that i now get to see my cute guy THRICE a week instead of the initial once. hahahha...)

anyhooooow. me heading to london. is a blessing. a HUGE blessing, if i may add. me being able to stopover over in Singapore! is mindblowingly, out-of-this-world-ly awesome. how i ever even managed to be blessed this much (not to mention all the "luck" i've had here in korea....) i will never understand...

it's almost like... now that i've begun serving Him again... in the best way i know how... He's blessing me three-, four-fold... and as undeserving as i am........ i'm just overflowing with gratitude..... then human greed takes over... and i wish, hope and pray that the same blessing can befall me in the case of matters of the heart... i hate it. it's currently top of my "Organs I Hate" list. if not for the fact that it keeps me alive, i'd dump it.

so.. thanks Lord. for everything. enough said.

so. in between having to deal with all the emotional fuckwittage in my life... i've been getting by... with school and life and everything.. and settled in and all.. and i love this campus. i love this experience (once again... something i'm truly truly grateful for). thanks ma and pa... for allowing me this chance.... and while we're at it... thanks for making my london trip (and brief visit home) possible.

alright. been rambling on enough... taken to listening to this nice nice song. a little old now. i guess. but it's beautiful... if not a little saddening... but. being saddening should not stop a song from being recognised for being as nice as it is. :)

so. i leave you all with this... and may everyone be as blessed and as grateful as i.

Strange and Beautiful by Aqualung

I've been
Watching your world from afar
I've been
Trying to be where you are
And I've been
Secretly falling apart
Unseen

To me
You're strange and you're beautiful
You'd be
So perfect with me but you just
Can't see
You turn every head but you don't
See me

I'll put a spell on you
You'll fall asleep
When I put a spell on you
And when I wake you
I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realise that you love me

Sometimes
The last thing you want comes in first
Sometimes
The first thing you want never comes
But I know
That waiting is all you can do
Sometimes

I'll put a spell on you
You'll fall asleep
When I put a spell on you
And when I wake you
I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realise that you love me

I'll put a spell on you
You'll fall asleep
Cause I put a spell on you
And when I wake you
I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realise that you love me
Yeah...

autumn sonata...

2007-09-11T19:19:00.000+09:00

it's been a while.. been busy with school.. have a lovely belinda-ish tutor for history of western architecture.. and she's lovely!!! think i have a sort of crush on her... miao and i set up an EFC - Eunice Fan Club. haha...

anyway... my studio tutor is cuuuuuuuute... professor han jin taek... he's an architect with Space group.. and he's cool too.. in terms of the perspectives he has and the comments he always has at the end of presentations... (maybe it helps to have cute tutors, you think? :p)

he began studio proper with an essay he wanted us to read...

Chief Seattle's Letter to All People

"The President in Washington sends word that he wishes to buy our land. But how can you buy or sell the sky? The land? The idea is strange to us. If we do not own the freshness of the air and the sparkle of the water, how can you buy them?

Every part of the earth is sacred to my people. Every shining pine needle, every sandy shore, every mist in the dark woods, every meadow, every humming insect. All are holy in the memory and experience of my people.

We know the sap which courses through the trees as we know the blood that courses through our veins. We are part of the earth and it is part of us. The perfumed flowers are our sisters. The bear, the deer, the great eagle, these are our brothers. The rocky crests, the dew in the meadow, the body heat of the pony, and man, all belong to the same family.

The shining water that moves in the streams and rivers is not just water, but the blood of our ancestors. If we sell you our land, you must remember that it is sacred. Each glossy reflection in the clear waters of the lakes tells us of events and memories in the life of my people. The water's murmur is the voice of my father's father.

The rivers are our brothers. They quench our thirst. They carry our canoes and feed our children. So you must give the rivers the kindness that you would give any brother.

If we sell you our land, remember that the air is precious to us, that the air shares its spirit with all the life that it supports. The wind that gave our grandfather his first breath also received his last sigh. The wind also gives our children the spirit of life. So if we sell you our land, you must keep it apart and sacred, as a place where man can go to taste the wind that is sweetened by the meadow flowers.

Will you teach your children what we have taught our children? That the earth is our mother? What befalls the earth befalls all the sons of the earth.

This we know: the earth does not belong to man, man belongs to the earth. All things are connected like the blood that unites us all. Man did not weave the web of life, he is merely a strand in it. Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself.

One thing we know: our God is also your God. The earth is precious to Him and to harm the earth is to heap contempt on its Creator.

Your destiny is a mystery to us. What will happen when the buffalo are all slaughtered? The wild horses tamed? What will happen when the secret corners of the forest are heavy with the scent of many men and the view of the rip hills is blotted with talking wires? Where will the thicket be? Gone. Where will the eagle be? Gone. And what is to say goodbye to the swift pony and then hunt? The end of living and the beginning of survival.

When the last red man has vanished with this wilderness, and his memory is only the shadow of a cloud moving across the prairie, will these shores and forests still be here? Will there be any of the spirit of my people left?

We love this earth as a newborn loves its mother's heartbeat. So, if we sell you our land, love it as we have loved it. Care for it, as we have cared for it. Hold in your mind the memory of the land as it is when you receive it. Preserve the land for all children, and love it, as God loves us.

As we are part of the land, you too are part of the land. This earth is precious to us. It is also precious to you.

One thing we know: there is only one God. No man, be he Red man or White man, can be apart. We ARE all brothers after all."

* * *

i couldnt help feeling so ashamed of myself after reading this. i still feel the shame. what have we been doing to our earth? our earth that has given us so much of itself? and is still continuing to do so?

we learn so much about environmental awareness and sustainability in school, especially for us in architecture. not a day goes by without us having to consider the environmental impact of our designs..... so with all that we have learnt...

what can we offer to our earth?

trains. the visual entry.

2007-08-28T15:51:00.000+09:00

trains.

2007-08-28T14:49:00.000+09:00

i'm meant to be researching and studying for my design project. but instead i have the strongest urge to put up this post i've been drafting in my head.

trains.

in singapore, train rides are just... almost unavoidable. you dont love it. some dont hate it. most just live with it. i personally do my utmost to avoid it. and almost succeed! the wonders of a tertiary buspass... :)

my point here, though, is that. train rides are long, silent (if in a carriage without a pack of students or children), monotonous (for those without a good read or good music)....

hell. food and drink aren't even ALLOWED. for good reason too. we already have piss-smelling lifts. we don't need rotten-food-smelling trains. :)

well. i've had some encounters on trains in quite a few countries. london underground is.. heat-stroke-causing in summer, (probably) butt-freezing in winter. switzerland trains are marvellous. nothing more i can say. hongkong mtr is efficient, with even blinking light indicators to show the stop you're at. bangkok btr(?) is.. fast? a tad confusing in the station circulation. dont think i ever took the train in australia. nor malaysia.

the korean metro however... has since (since arriving here and my first use of it on the 20th of july this year) become a major topic of discussion for us singaporean students here on exchange.

one can do just about anything one wants on the korean metro. possibly all except smoke?

to list down all the incriminating incidents of how interesting and fascinating the korean metro is would kill me. it far exceeds the number of meals ive had here in korea. :p there are, however, a fair few examples that i think will suffice. :)

CASE STUDY 1:
when i say you can do just about anything on the train here in korea, i MEAN just about anything. and people REALLY DO DO just about anything. this includes selling CDs of classic korean ballads.. whilst blasting one on a portable transistor as advertising for your product.. and shouting above the blasting of your played product to inform potential customers (albeit busy reading the newspapers or sleeping or chatting amongst themselves) of the deal they're missing out on should they choose to forego this wonderful opportunity.

some others come around selling men's socks.. the.. arab sheikh kind silk(?) socks.. in two shades: black and grey..

picnic mats. HUGE. printed straw on one side and silver on the other.

torchlights. small. convenient to carry, with a clip. though.. when clipped to anything, looks like the lights on the top of miners' helmets..

well.. there are tonnes more yet. i just can't seem to summon them to the forefront of my thoughts. :) so yes. you can just about do anything.. like. sell stuff.

* * *

CASE STUDY 2:
then there's the controversial topic of preaching and evangelising.

freedom of speech is something advocated everywhere... in many countries all over the world. most people are, however, still hesitant to speak of political or religious issues. yet... the christian population i've encountered here in korea are all mighty believers and preachers and recruiters.... i've had a woman (previously seated down on a bench under a pavilion in school) jump up and walk over to me saying something in korean before realising i'm foreign and swapping to english and asking if i've heard of God.

this does not escape the jurisdiction of "Things You Can Do on the Korean Metro" mandate.

whilst on the train one time, exhausted from a long day at work (eventful for me, not so for some others) and full of dinner, most of us were fast asleep on scattered seats. even with my earphones plugged into my ears, blasting keane's under the iron sea album, i got awoken by some shouts... that didn't sound friendly.

two guys, GROWN men, were standing (almost confrontationally) at one end of the carriage we were in.. by this time all eyes were either dead shut (asleep) or on them. and one was dressed respectably in a grey jacket suit while the other was.. in brown slacks and a tee.. both were in a disagreement.* and being the kaypo singaporean i am, i was resolved to find out the topic of discussion between the two koreans afterward.

*one does not need to have full understanding of any one language to discern a friendly discussion from a plain disagreement.

so that's just what i did. after the train ride, i rushed over to the side of my korean friend and sought the answer to my question.

it turned out that Grey Suited was preaching about God and Christianity at the end of the carriage, and this is done quite alot. No harm done there. most passengers would just switch on their selective hearing and focus on whatever else they wanted. unfortunately for Grey Suited, he preached at the end of the carriage where Brown Slacked sat. Brown Slacked (obviously NOT a christian) got offended by what Grey Suited had to offer in his judgement on the world.. or rather.. his relaying of God's judgement on the world and what would happen to those who do not answer to His call... and asked him (whether politely or not i haven't a clue) to vacate his present position and to seek some other point of proclamation. this evolved into a heated "discussion" and resulted in two redfaced koreans. Grey Suited, obliging and moving off, and Brown Slacked not budging and chasing him out of the train, with shouts of some Korean adjectives.. probably best left unrevealed.. :)

i bet another factor was involved. Brown Slacked might have been drunk.

* * *

SO. only two case studies and already this post is getting toooo long.. well then. briefly. other examples include having a couple of drunk teenagers exposing fellow peer's newly bought boxers, waving them in the air, then whacking one another hard on the head; a lady throwing up beside me; meeting a singapore PR korean lady seated beside me; having a wacky looking guy (all artisty with the black beret on the head of long grey hair swept up in a ponytail and with a beard) seated next to me take a page from a newspaper and sketching floor plans on the page's empty spaces; having a 1.5hr train ride drag to a 2.25hr train ride, with the additional duration being spent stuck in the middle of an underground tunnel, surrounded by a horde of people itching to get to work, and having your oxygen supply dwindle to the point of your glasses fogging up just from breathing normally.(apparently there was an accident or someone died?)

ooh ooh ooh!!! the MOST important thing. the ONE time i saw the single most DASHINGLY CUTE korean guy seated adjacently opposite me.

yes. that pretty much sums it all up. trains. :)

sombre sunday

2007-08-12T15:37:00.000+09:00

weird.. my previous post refuses to show up on the blog... :( oh well...

as the title states.. today's a sombre grey sunday... skies have been grey all morning and afternoon... raining/drizzling nonstop... today's sermon was about trusting in Him and forgiveness... forgiving others as He forgave us.... simple... stuff we Catholics recite every week at mass... but do we actually really stop to do any of it..? there was a sharing session afterwards, as with every other week... and it took me time but i finally shared.... shared how difficult it is to forgive others.

by right, it's tough to forgive people who have hurt us directly and who have done us wrong. if it wasn't so personal, like a sin committed against another person, it shouldn't affect us as much.... BY RIGHT, it should be easier to forgive in that situation.... but i can't.... i somehow can't bring myself to forgive one who has hurt the one i love.... oh well... at least i let it out today.. feel a little better about it... but i guess i'm slowly beginning to forgive... that's good right?

anyway... decided to come home to rest today. the rest headed out to seoul... really not in the mood for seoul today i think.. just want some quiet..... time alone.. to think....

an old song i sang for a wedding once... heard again on class 95 the other night, all the way here in korea....blogged it before too.. a long way back... miss listening to the song... ciao... hope everyone had a better weekend than i did...

These Foolish Things by Frank Sinatra

A cigarette that bears a lipsticks' traces
An airline ticket to romantic places
And still my heart has wings
These foolish things remind me of you

A tinkling piano in the next apartment
Those stumbling words that told you what my heart meant
A fairground's painted swing
These foolish things remind me of you

You came, you saw, you conquered me
When you did that to me
I knew somehow this had to be

The winds of March that make my heart a dancer
A telephone that rings, but who’s to answer
Oh, how the ghost of you clings
These foolish things remind me of you

The smile of Turner and the scent of roses
The waiters whistling as the last bar closes
The song that Crosby sings
These foolish things remind me of you

Babe, these things remind me of you

emptiness

2007-08-11T23:19:00.000+09:00

weird saturday it is for me today... felt strangely empty..... think i can kinda imagine what it feels like having a dementor around..... having the happiness sucked out from you..... drained dry....... and yet i brought it upon myself...

i have nothing nice or happy or encouraging to say. all i have are song lyrics in my head... and how apt some of them are at points in our lives.... what would we do without good songs and lyrics to get us through tough times.....

i guess i'll leave you all with this... at least it's happy.....

That's All by Michael Buble (cover)

I can only give you love that lasts forever
And the promise to be near each time you call
And the only heart I own
For you and you alone
That's all
That's all

I can only give you country walks in springtime
And a hand to hold when leaves begin to fall
And a love whose burning light
Will warm the winter night
That's all
That's all

There are those I am sure who have told you
They would give you the world for a toy
All I have are these arms to enfold you
And a love time can never destroy

If you're wondering what I'm asking in return dear
You'll be glad to know that my demands are small
Say it's me that you adore
For now and ever more
That's all
That's all

i love you....

optimism

2007-08-10T01:59:00.000+09:00

the good thing about optimism is... there's always something to be happy about, grateful for, thankful for..

you'd realise, if you stop to think about it, that optimism is the key - to long healthy happy life. no matter what happens to you. there'll be someone who benefits even if it's not you. there'll be something to gain from it, even if initially it seems like certain loss, you might gain a lesson!

the power of optimism.

why can't it be bestowed upon me?...

i've lost the key thing i was looking forward to, to close this year....... and i'm sure that if i adopted the optimism attitude here, there'd be a million things to be happy about, thankful and grateful for....... if only..... if only i could be optimistic.

it's like there's an inbuilt mechanism within me that repels all optimistic thoughts... i must try harder...

you confuse me. i don't get you.. and i think i might never.....

yet another sleepless, fitful night.....
God help me.

the act of crying

2007-08-09T01:50:00.000+09:00

in the past i never once stopped to think why we cry. possibly due to the fact that although i did loads of it, there was mostly valid reason to... injuring myself (in however painful a manner), losing precious things/people.... feeling injusticed (however warped my opinion might have been sometimes...)... there was always a "real" reason...

maybe i'm growing.. or my body's changing like rie says.. the falling ill.. the erratic moodswings... the incessant crying... (making myself out to be some pathetic depressive miserable person...)

there's no other explanation otherwise.

and it just got me thinking... scientifically.. the act of crying is stimulated by nerves..... not that i know expertly what i'm talking about.. i could easily wiki it but i'm far too lazy and of not good enough a mood.... but common science sense tells me that there must be some nerve endings that, when sensing pain, also send signals to our tear ducts to release tears. so when there's valid stimuli, like injuries, strong feelings of loss.. fear... anxiety maybe? it's understandable why any one person would cry in any of those circumstances..

but for nothing? or for the slightest things? or... when you cry once over something.. and you recover from it and think that's that... but you end up shedding tears over that same issue over and over and over again... night after night.... that can't be healthy can it?

lucky for me. there's great instant coffee at the office that does what little coffee does for me in keeping me alive and awake..

lucky for me. i've got a nice team to work in/with, with nice colleagues to take breaks with...

lucky for me. any tears shed here in korea can all simply be misunderstood as tears of homesickness, if anyone even catches me shedding any in the first place..

what i'd do for you............. is apparently far too much.

bad sleep in bed, good sleep on train

2007-08-08T14:50:00.000+09:00

what is the world coming to? cold rain in summer, hot days in winter... bad sleep in bed, good sleep on train..... everything's turned topsy turvy these days...

sitting here at my desk having photoshopped all day.. didn't really take much of a rbeak for lunch either cos wasn't hungry... plan to take an icecream break later...

ARGH just got given work.. blog tonight maybe then.. ciao...

more on the not-so-fragrant* harbour

2007-08-06T15:18:00.000+09:00

not so fragrant cos of all the back alleys that smell funny... because of the smelly little street that rie sometimes uses as a shortcut to work... because of chou dou fu... because... well... i could really delve into how it IS fragrant instead and there'd be lots to say too.. all the lovely food frangrances.... *swoon*... *salivate* hahahaha..:p

alright alright.. back to more photos... i'll hurry so that we can get to korea yeah? cheerio.

okay.. so continuing where i left off last post (before i had to leave to make a model.. which i've finished so back at my desk taking another blog-break)...

howard and i took a stroll down nathan road right? almost to the end.. means from tsim sha tsui to mongkok... near where andy lau stays.. :) so along the way we saw many many buildings.. loads of the stereotypically-hongkong neonlights, all hanging overhead, protruding out from buildings over the road...

and this was further down to the left of nathan road where howard said he'd show me a really really old area with a fruit wholesale market... i got SOOOOOOOO excited cos thought i'd FINALLY get to buy cheap fruit but alas! the market's only open from 12am-5am. :( but walked through the almost-empty market anyway... snapping a few shots along the way... :)

this was the next day when rie was at work and howard brought me strolling again to hongkong island, central... see anything familiar? :) it was a lovely lovely day!!! i swear i've good luck with weather whenever i plan to take cruises or boatrides. :p in london too!!! and i've loads of nice pictures to show for it i think... :)

then we walked past this underside of a flyover.. and i thought it was real cool... it's just a painting on a flat 2D surface of concrete! and i thought it looked real neat so snapped a pic of it... then beside us were two guys smoking... and one of them suddenly asked us where we were from, cos he could hear from our accents that we're singaporean!! eeeks.. haha... then he gave us some tips.. that we could go up to the 43rd story of the bank of china free of charge to take aerial shots if we wanted!!! :)

then we walked to wanchai... where there are many street markets.. like the one above.. and the oldest wet markets in hongkong apparently.. which they plan to tear down!!!! EEEKS!!!! and below is called "wedding card street" cos there used to be, for years, many printing shops along this street.. all the different ones competing against one another.. yet... i think it was a community in itself... with competitors being neighbours and age-old friends.... really saddening... could see the torn remnants of protest flags flying from the buildings.... to protest against the urban redevelopment people.... *SIGH*.....

then there's the Blue House.. (the blue on the left edge of the picture above? imagine an entire 4storey block in that colour... UH HUH...) a very very very old house... old to the point of not having any toilets... when i heard that, i looked up the facade of the building and seeing many clothes lines still being in use, wondered how there could STILL be ANYONE living in a building without toilets...

answer: chamberpots.

*puke from thought of stench*

also, the house is so coloured because they used leftover paint to paint this building and this colour was apparently all they could find at that point.
coolness. :)

anyhow.... this is out of synch. :p this picure was taken my first morning in Hongkong.. when i went with rie to her office... :)

i miss you rie!!!

alright... that's it for now then... finished with work!!! gonna go home now.. YAY!! :) ciao.

what's opposite of monday blues..?

2007-08-06T12:56:00.000+09:00

erm... monday pinks? but what if i hate pink and love blue?? then... wouldn't monday blues be a happy thing instead? heh... *sheepish grin* bored and high.. not too sure why either.... didn't go out for lunch today... stayed in to work on a model.. then at half past 12 walked out to the convenience store on the corner to get a sandwich.. figured a sandwich would be better for me than yoghurt again.... and still have half a banana pound left from this morning... can have for tea later i guess... then might not need much for dinner too....

anyway... as promised. will update you all on my hongkong trip before launching full-fletched into korea exchange 2007. okay? :) i'm a girl of my word. haha...

the Hongkong International Airport.. the night i arrived... 4.5hours after rie.. heh... she had to wait for me a really long time.. poor che che rie..... i felt awful... and then we still had to travel back more than an hour on express bus to nathan road... the main shopping street of tsim sha tsui.. :) where rie lives!!

so this is near rie's home... she lives just across from work and so when she and her colleagues have lunch, plenty of cafes and cha tings and restaurants are all around her home. :) this was one of the random apartment blocks with a central atrium (not much of a view to look out to if you ask me. :p) and at the back on the gorund floor is an eatery!! hahaha... like it just popped out from nowhere... :p lovely though... for photos.. :p

took a long walk... down almost he entire length of nathan road, with my really kind and patient guide, howard, (relation is complicated. erm. sis' boyfriend's brother's good friend?)

anyway, so he brought me on a stroll.. passing by many buildings and chatting as we walked...

this one's some apartment-block-cum-backpacker's-hotel? looked cute.. :p

then there was langham place... WHICH. as i was told.. is one of the many unofficial red light districts of kowloon. hahahaha... loads of old apartment blocks and small old dilapidated complexes...

hongkong urban redevelopment authority came and plonked this modernity right in the centre of this seedy area. maybe it was a conscious bid to convert the area? no idea.. but that's apparently the hotel that paul and his family stayed in just two weeks ago.. :)

relaxing weekend...

2007-08-05T21:31:00.000+09:00

it's a lovely sunday evening.... waiting for the heater to warm up before i head to the shower... and my plan to rest this weekend was achieved!!!

well... not entirely seeing as i only slept 5hours last night.. but about 10 the night before?? so thats great... to make up for the utter lack of sleep on weeknights. :p

slept in till 2pm on saturday.. and slacked the day away uploading photos to my photobucket*.. had simple dinner and walked around the centre of ansan... nice dessert too!!! i'll get back to that soon i'm sure.. all in all a great relaxing day.. :)

today was my first time singing for the english service here at saeansan methodist church!! and it felt great... to finally be back serving Him in what i do best.... *sigh of satisfaction* i'm happy. :) ooooh!! and i bought some stuff to start on a miniproject here in korea... hopefully i succeed!! :p

alright... now comes my dilemma.... i've tonnes of photos from my hongkong trip still unpublished....... and i'd love to show the people i love (assuming they still come by here! :p) what a great time i had in hongkong.... with rie.. and if anything too, to give rie a chance to reminisce for a bit.. :)

SO.

here's the plan. i'll just do a few quick posts of photos and happenings... and then get back to my boring life (compared to exciting holiday in hongkong) in korea. think that sounds like a good plan. :) alright!

i'll get started after my shower then. (if i'm still awake..... :p)
ciao.

* http://s92.photobucket.com/albums/l1/fi787072/

monday blues.. on a friday...

2007-08-03T09:02:00.000+09:00

freaky friday..? maybe.... feeling crappy on a hot-but-otherwise-lovely korean friday morning.... intern partner's last day today... starting monday i'll be so lonely... woeropda.... *sigh* it's been fun having him around to chat with and work with and take ice cream breaks with... oh well.... guess i'll have to get by on my own from now on..... :(

had a long chat on religious stuff last night....

think i'm beginning to morph into dad.... what IS the meaning of life? what are we here for? cos it seems that happiness is too tough to find.... but we can't possibly be put here to suffer in misery can we? pretty darn sure He isn't so sadistic...... :p

oh well... feeling slightly more awake after the espresso i had on the train into seoul... visiting hongde tonight after work... from what i hear it's the best clubbing pubbing area in seoul.... better than itaewon and gangnam... hope so... need a break...... a nice drink.....

oh! heard about the yogyakarta trip appearing in SA magazine last month.. then heard last night that there's a photograph.. with me in it... and i got quoted??!!....... hope i looked fine....... it was pre-6kg-loss.... and that i didn't sound like some lame bimbo. :p haha.....

for a moment there i almost forgot i haven't read the last instalment of the boy wizard series..... soon i guess....

oooh!!! for anyone who's planning to visit me or korea in the near future... there are lovely lovely places to bring you to!!! i'll make a good guide i promise.. know food names and my way around transportation.. (a bit lah..:p) *raises hands, waves in the air* pick me pick me!! :)

guess i'm feeling better already... alright then.. ciao...

thank God it's friday.

modelling

2007-07-27T12:42:00.000+09:00

making models has always been fun... having a 5th year korean archi student interning here together with me on the same project is even MORE fun... being able to learn about technical skilling in architecture through models is so fun.... an experience i'd have been daunted to try in singapore... but here... :) it's fun!!!

been using someone's desk over the last two days.. cos he's on leave till today... but one of the team leaders (the nicest-looking person in our office, most elegant and nice fashion sense too!) transferred to a different department, one floor below ours... so i got a fresh new desk with a freshly reformatted computer and the windows is in ENGLISH!!!! hahaha... yay!! been working on a korean computer the last two days.... guessing my way around with everything.... even had to read a project brief in KOREAN. learnt quite a bit.. :)

tired. need to buy another calling card to call home with... should be getting it later in itaewon... the foreigners' hangout... cos it's near the us army barracks i think... quite nice... we all went there for drinks the other night after dinner... gonna try out the clubbing scene tonight... see if i like it... only thing is... it's not FREE!!!! i miss singapore..... :p

another 10mins before my lunch break is up.... i like my colleagues... i like the instant coffee. (bought a box home last night to keep in my room.. :p) guess i'm happy... alright then... ciao.

FINALLY.

2007-07-24T22:06:00.000+09:00

Here i am. FINALLY. after such a long period of worrying about my silly connection troubles... almost having to reformat my entire computer.... *sigh*

but here i am!!!! yay! and feeling all happy about having internet access of my own... :) felt so.... lost and lonely for a couple of days... no way of contacting home..... but now all's good. :)

been eating loads of korean delicacies... am totally absolutely in love with korean soju..... everyone in the world should try bamboo soju. *swoon*

campus is really beautiful too!! foggy mornings are perfect for walking out to the main entrance where there's a bus station taking us to the nearest substation that takes us into seoul... here's a couple of shots of the lake near my hostel.... lovely... loads of dragonflies flitting about overhead... and little ducks waddling about.. :)

first day here was spent settling in... went to lotte mart to shop for necessities. spent an entire BOMB on home stuff... pillows (two cos one was a bolster.......), one pillow cover (everyone should sew them and sell them here. you'd make a real killing..), bedspread-cum-mattress protector, comforter, tissue boxes, mug, bowl, cereal... all these.... then rushed back to hostel to drop them off before rushing to seoul for lunch with our professor... like.. an introduction lunch? it was lovely.. and their treat... professor shin and professor han...

then since prof han works at space group, the archi firm we're interning at, he decided to take us for an unofficial visit to the office. it was GORGEOUS. make the call for yourselves.

we took a long LONG stroll around central seoul.... and came across a very very famous stream... (originally real.. they filled it up.. then after a couple of years wanted it back again.. now it's a really nice place in the city to just chill along...

alright then... off to bed.... first day of work tomorrow!!! wish me luck... ciao..

back from the fragrant harbour and post polluted petronas-towers capital

2007-07-10T22:15:00.000+09:00

kl was.... less than perfect. but great nonetheless.. :)

okay. so i DIDN'T take many pictures. so i slept away majority of the Putrajaya tour we went on. so i spent a majority of my ringgit on the extinct-in-singapore-starbucks tazo iced shaken lemon zen tea.

so sue me.

i met (well, more like.. saw from afar.. didn't actually talk to him...) the most charming korean architect at the conference. charming, sense of humour, intelligent, studied at yale, lectures now..... *swoon* think i might be drowning in a pool of my own saliva. :p

PLAN for time in Korea (spare time APART from studying, mind you):

find his firm and stalk him. my Cho Minsuk. my very own korean drama serial.

:)

i miss hongkong. i miss the mango pomelo dessert that cost a bomb. i miss the nice po lo pau. i miss rie. (duh.) i miss howard and julius too.. haha...

ooh. gotta dash out to holland for supper. :p will write again soon.. ciao.

fragrant harbour

2007-06-20T17:11:00.000+09:00

here i am sitting in rie's office, sharing a chair with her.. in the middle of kowloon... with a breathtaking view overlooking the harbour.. *swoon*

got in last night real late.. rie had to wait for me for almost 3.5hours?? didn't know what i was getting myself into. so i've resolved to never doing TWO things ever again:

1. NEVER check in early. (my theory is... you check in early, your baggage gets chucked so far inside the plane it takes aeons to get out at your destination.........)

2. NEVER say okay to a window seat AFTER the guy at the check-in counter mentions it's at the back of the aircraft AND that you'll be sitting within/surrounded by a tour group. (especially when it's say..... a flight to hongkong... where "tour groups" refer to not only a big group of humans but a big group of NOISY, CHATTY, LOUD-MOUTHED, CANTONESE-SPEAKING humans......)

didn't help that the headphones were giving me an earache.... sigh.. well. at least i got to catch music & lyrics without having to pay a cent? haha.... "...pop goes my heart..."

perfect for those looking for cheesy. and brainless. and hugh grant or drew barrymore. :)

what luck. as rie so aptly put in an email to her friend... i "got the shits" after just ONE lunch in hongkong.. my FIRST meal. and in a respectable-looking little place too... maybe my body's REALLY breaking down? but lucky for me.. we were awfully close to her office (we're permanently awfully close to her office. she lives across the road from it.....) so i got to use a nice clean toilet... albeit.. male.. cos her colleague took the key to the ladies.. :p

so paul, i guess it's alright that i DIDN'T bring along SureClean.. :p oh! but rie has one in her bathroom at home!! so i guess we'll carry it along when/if we go to shenzhen this weekend... :) so. finally. been meaning to put this up for a while but keep forgetting.. :p

for people who have an aversion to smelly, dirty toilets (WHICH i hope refers to EVERYONE i know and who visits this blog... i like to think my friends are all hygienic, clean-toilet-conscious people....) you guys can check out http://www.sureclean.com.sg

feels like i'm walking on the set of any one of the many hongkong drama serials i've watched when i'm walking down the road... :) feels almost surreal... keep thinking i might bump into any one of the many hongkong stars i watch on cable at home.. ahhaha... :p though.. i'm thinking maybe i won't have much luck... rie used to live on the same street as ANDY LAU and for months she never even caught a glimpse of even his back... only heard from the newsstand guy that andy lau's parents go there to get their news..... so wish me luck with the star-hunting.

alright... think maybe it's time i left rie's office to brave the mall next door. :p wanna take a look at nice t-shirts..

holidays are great. a necessity.

finally. on my long-awaited holiday.

PLAN:

1. learn cantonese songs!!!

2. eat lots of new stuff... as long as my tummy holds out..

back to the plan then. :) ciao.

promises

2007-05-30T13:50:00.000+09:00

there should be a worldwide ban on promises.

mainly cos they're hardly ever kept.

i imagine in the past, promises were a treasured and revered thing... you only ever made a promise if you intended, with all your heart, to keep it... it was like something sacred.. between two people or the people involved... you only ever made promises to people whose relationships with you had developed past a certain stage... best friends, family, potential spouses....

as with developments and advancements in technology and in every possible field, society's moved and grown... morals and ethics changed.. priorities and beliefs altered... mindsets shifted..

promises, where once upon a time, the mere utterance of which meant the world to someone, now are mere nothings.

"yes i promise i will..."
"i promise i will never.."
"don't worry.. i promise you.."
"i swear......"

just the thought of these examples disgusts me. the lackadaisical use of these phrases..... the uninterest, indifference... no.. obviously not at the point of utterance.. somehow, people these days have the amazing ability to say such words and appear to mean them... but at some point, we realise that they were said with no true intention of service.

what world will our children be born into? what society will they grow up in? i bet our parents are asking themselves the same thing of us. and nothing's being done about it. noone's really bothering to revert morality to the way it was...

hell. even "innocence" has a different meaning now.

it's a hate-the-world day for me.... only thing to rejoice in is that i'm headed for hongkong in a couple of weeks... and korea in a month and a half....

always look on the bright side of life.

there are a million things to be happy and grateful and thankful for.

i try to remind myself of that every now and then.

where do we go from here

2007-05-22T15:22:00.000+09:00

i like that song... by madonna.. can't remember from where... and it isn't even the title... "you must love me"..

anyhow.. i sidetracked... this entry's not one about the song.. it's just a shoutout to everyone... sorry if i've kinda slipped under the radar of late.... seems i've not been that contactable via email or msn... i'm always "Away" which always used to mean present but yeah.. been away of late...

parents away on holiday to hongkong, spending time with val... i've been tasked to clean up after robbie, feed him, water him (mom insists fresh water everyday gives him more oxygen...... thought that only worked on fish...), water the plants.... and i've been doing it all!! i even threw in a couple of balcony scrubs too!!

end result:

1. broken back (not sure if it is but it sure as hell feels like it.....)

2. still-dirty balconies... (robbie's not housetrained... was when he came to us but got untrained by my other dogs..)

3. a still-messy room... (was too afraid to really go up there ever since the rat.... long story...)

but at least i have gone to kbox ONCE... 830pm to 5am is no mean feat i guess... guess it kinda makes up for the long abstinence... *shrug*

been recording some stuff too, for an old friend.. bought many books (maybe too many... judging by the gaping hole in my pocket, wallet AND bag...).. spent quality time with people i love... just a few more on the list of people i care about that i havent met with... but will get to it i'm sure... as soon as they're available...

all in all, this break really has been a break... just not a holiday... i need one.. almost feel aimless and lifeless these days.... like.. there's stuff to be done but i can never seem to think of what.... maybe starting work with dad will be a good thing...

just finished a good book... laughs, crys, nice descriptive too... of lovely london as well as cyprus... "the mother-in-law" by eve makis.... go grab it if into or in need of light reading...

back to slacking then... ciao..

freedom

2007-04-29T23:55:00.000+09:00

crap.

that's currently the thing i most feel like. don't ask me how or why. it just is.

freedom is meant to bring with it all sorts of joy, excitement, exhilaration...
it always has for me.. till now....

i'm depressing.. i know.. seem to have been quite alot recently... and not out of choice either... it's just.. i constantly have so much on my mind nowadays... and without meaning to too.....

it's no wonder there are people out there in the world who are driven to drugs and alcohol to numb the drumming, suicide to end it.... it's quite understandable...

NO. i'm not saying i'm thinking of it... i just know how it can be... so consuming... it can overwhelm you without you really knowing...

but i won't allow it to consume me. there are a million things in my life to be thankful and grateful for... and i AM thankful and grateful... i just need to keep reminding myself of that.. instead of dwell on all the possibilities........

i'm free..... you'll be soon... i just hope we have time to share this newfound freedom.....

the end

2007-04-26T02:24:00.000+09:00

i sit here... typing at a quarter to 2... my last examination for this semester a mere 7hours away... and strangely enough, all i can think about is how to organise my time over the next few weeks.... how to go about spending time with the people i love.....

what do you do when you have a fear? a fear of something that might happen say..... within the year? something that is semi under your control and yet, knowing full well you don't want it to happen, you might just let it anyway.... even if it could be one of your greatest fears.... you might just let it anyway...... because it might be what's meant to be.... or.. in this case, what's NOT meant to be...

yeah.. the age-old cliche... the classic breakup line... the loser's line of resignation.... a friend's trying to be nice....

"it wasn't meant to be"

is it ever true? do we know for sure? will we ever?

and so i go about thinking... not something i can help frankly... and i try not to think about what lies ahead.... which is tough.. me being such a planner... i can't go a week without planning at least 4meets be they coffee sessions, mahjong, movie, dinner.... i've always kept myself busy... always... it's been that way for as long as i can remember... to stop myself thinking.... as i'm trying to do now....stop myself thinking about what might happen in a couple of months.... half a year... at the turn of the new year........

i TRY not to think about it.

that doesn't mean i succeed....

so my decision.. is to enjoy the next couple of months... make it worth the while.... worth our while.......
and i say....... the ending should be good.. if it ends......
.
.
.
.
.
i just hope it doesn't.

clingers

2007-04-21T03:14:00.000+09:00

hypocrisy. double standards.

i realise i'm guilty of it...

there was a time (and maybe i STILL do...) when i looked upon certain people scornfully and with distaste... girls mainly... attached girls to be slightly more specific... CLINGY attached girls, to be exact.

the idea of being so clingy and dependent and whiney/whingey and spineless and of no self-opinion all at once. it disgusted me. still does.

so why have i turned out slightly like that then?

no way. definitely not the "...of no self-opinion" part... nor the spineless part.. and maybe not even the whiney/whingey part... or at least only occasionally.. deliberately.. to cause deliberate irritation... but the clinginess and dependence???

i write this in shame... for i can all but deny that i am a partner-dependent [you-dependent, to be precise] c-l-i-n-g-e-r*...

thus. i have resolved myself to changing that. i will make a conscious effort to not be too dependent, to not need to hear from people constantly, to not need to be with people constantly, to not... sigh..... to think i even used the word "need" as opposed to "want".... am i too far gone for the situation to be salvaged? :(

i will not be so needy anymore. i will not desire too much henceforth. it's not ever been like this.... so i guess it must count for something if it is now...?

i will master it.
the art of detachment.
however slight...

* think every letter, spat out with disgust, whispered in shame...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

been listening to this song quite a bit of late... quite apt... since i'd give almost anything to be near home right now...... *shrug* the evil that is Exams disallows it.... for all those away from home.....

Home by Michael Buble

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home

May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I've been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
"I'm fine baby, how are you?"
Well, I would send them but I know that it's just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I'm lucky I know
But I wanna go home
I've got to go home

Let me go home
I'm just too far
From where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I'm living someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
This was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day
Has come and gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I'm surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Let me go home
Oh I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I've had my run
Baby I'm done
I gotta go home

Let me go home
It'll all be alright
I'll be home tonight
I'm coming back home

bored/restless

2007-04-17T03:46:00.000+09:00

just sitting here.. trying to study cos i need to... and cos i don't wanna let you down... but it ain't happening... not effectively anyhow.. managed to get proper lighting up.. and coils to chase the mozzies away.. and yet i'm so restless......

so here's lyrics.. to two lovely lovely songs... kinda relays the mood i'm in? can't wait for the 26th to come... just slightly over a week and i'm free..............

so here they are.. enjoy... :)

Witchcraft by Frank Sinatra

Those fingers in my hair
That sly come hither stare
That strips my conscience bare
It's witchcraft

And I've got no defense for it
The heat is too intense for it
What good would common sense for it do?

'Cause it's witchcraft
Wicked witchcraft
And although I know it's strictly taboo
When you arouse the need in me
My heart says yes indeed in me
Proceed with what you’re leading me to

It's such an ancient pitch
But one I wouldn't switch
'Cause there's no nicer witch than you

'Cause it's witchcraft
That crazy witchcraft
And although I know it's strictly taboo
When you arouse the need in me
My heart says yes indeed in me
Proceed with what you’re leading me to...

It's such an ancient pitch
But one that I would never switch
'Cause there's no nicer witch than you

Turn Me On by Norah Jones

Like a flower
Waiting to bloom
Like a lightbulb
In a dark room
I'm just sittin' here
Waiting for you
To come on home
And turn me on

Like the desert
Waiting for the rain
Like a school kid
Waiting for the spring
I'm just sittin' here
Waiting for you
To come on home
And turn me on

My poor heart
It's been so dark
Since you've been gone
After all you're the one who turns me off
But you're the only one who can turn me back on

My hi-fi is waiting for a new tune
My glass is waiting for some fresh ice-cubes
I'm just sittin' here
Waiting for you
To come on home
And turn me on
Turn me on

tired

2007-04-11T22:21:00.000+09:00

final submission, final crit... all over.... portfolio submission, tmr....

here once again is the week of mugging for exams... desperate latenight mugging to catch up on all the stuff we've neglected all semester.. all the lectures skipped, tutorials dazed/stoned in....

and yet. i can't seem to find the discipline to start mugging. i feel so restless all of a sudden.. like there's so much i can do but i don't know where to begin... almost like i've been repressed all semester but now i'm set free... cliched i know.. but it's just.. the way i feel...... especially with the korean exchange pending.... i might be away from july to dec.... i suddenly feel like there are a million things i need to do before i leave... when i'll be so far away for 5months...

i guess it's similar to being told how much longer i have to live.. just..in a slightly less... fatal manner...

so.

who's up for kbox? any day, any time. just message me.
who's up for drinks? there are far too many places that have opened up for far too long without my having been there to try out.. :p
who's up for ikea shopping? :) i've a room to do up... after i clear it up...
who's up for settler's??? i desperately wanna play games there somehow.. heh...

*sigh*

ooh! need to tan too... and start exercising.... and have a short holiday.... AND catch a million movies.. was badly deprived of them the entire semester somehow.....

i seem to have lots to do this holiday then... hope i get them all done.. :)

problems

2007-04-08T18:54:00.000+09:00

I've come to realise something about myself, in reflection of the past few years of my life...

that i always seem to create problems for myself.

whether in relationships or work... it always seems the case.. that i almost fabricate my own problems.. not that there weren't/aren't any there in the first place. just that my paranoia seems to always get the better of me...

it's like... a tiny grey spot on a blank white canvas that i get a glimpse of and try to erase with those cheap erasers and end up spreading the grey, smudging and wearing and tearing till there's a great big hole...... that's me... or at least. that's me the last few years.... with every new project or relationship i enter into.....

every little thing said and done... or NOT said, NOT done... i pick it all up like some sponge.... whether i like it or not.. most of the time not... and they play on loop in my head... like some broken video... such that even when it was a slip, a mistake, or just nothing significant, it becomes to me something SO significant... that i think it means something.. that something important was implied by it.. or by the absence of it.

it's tiring.

to always think..... to always have your mind playing tricks on you... to constantly be on your toes in case what your mind's telling you isn't just paranoia but a working selfdefence mechanism....

i wanna be able to trust people wholeheartedly. to not doubt what's said or done.... but my mind just seems to keep going wild.....

im trying...... i really am... but some things just keep plaguing me... i wish sisters and mothers weren't always right about stuff.....

the end is near...

2007-03-31T06:43:00.000+09:00

another semester is coming to an end yet again... seems like time just keeps racing past... and i can't help but wonder what i've accomplished this semester... whether it's been an eventful one, or one i ought to write off as yet another waste of a couple of months of my youth....

when i look back on the other 3 semesters.. it's difficult not to think that perhaps, just perhaps, i was too caught up with the demands of architecture school to fully cherish those i love and the little things... i mean. indeed. being in archi has taught me to cherish the littlest things... but... when time's racing past you and you constantly have an endless checklist of assignments you need to complete, aspects of your design you need to resolve or improve, water and air-conditioning systems you need to understand, cadding software you need to master........ it's so easy to just get roped into all of it and dissolve yourself in it all... and before you know it, another 3months has just whizzed past your ear without you even realising it.... and all you have to show for it are the assignments you rushed out, aspects of design resolved and improved, but that can still be further resolved or improved on (i swear. it NEVER ends... till submission hour arrives....) and water and air-conditioning systems that you studied and tried to understand and only understand parts of it... some parts of which you'll probably never fully understand.. (engineer's job, not mine. :p)

*takes a deep breath*

yeah. so. what have i accomplished this semester? (apart from the lovely performance and managing to tear my immune system to shreds)

honestly, i haven't a clue. i could stall for time and say,"oh. how can i say for sure when the semester hasn't ended yet?" but all that would be is a pathetic excuse.. because technically, it HAS ended. all that's left now are exams (barring the oh-so-important-and-triply-weighted submission for design...) and then it's the long-but-never-long-enough break here once again...

well. to hell with what i've accomplished this semester. i'll start afresh. a list of what i wanna accomplish this holiday. (yeah... *sheepish* i'm slacking off final production to blog about what i wanna do over the hols.. heh...)

1. DEFINITELY clear my room THEN do it up nicely...
2. learn autocad.
3. play with saffron as much as possible before she leaves.....
4. kbox like mad

think just these four will do for now.. as it is... me thinks these four will knock me out. :p great. feel rejuvenated somehow.. just by thinking of the hols... :)

back to work it is then...... ciao for now... leave you all with this song.. that's possibly overplayed.. especially in studio last sem.. i used to not be able to sleep without this and the bossa works on loop.... yet.. i never took note of the lyrics.... and well, yeah...it is so nice......... :)

So Nice by Astrud Gilberto

Someone to hold me tight
That would be very nice
Someone to love me right
That would be very nice
Someone to understand
Each little dream in me
Someone to take my hand
To be a team with me

So nice, life would be so nice
If one day I'd find
Someone who would take my hand
And samba through life with me

Someone to cling to me
Stay with me right or wrong
Someone to sing to me
Some little samba song
Someone to take my heart
And give his heart to me
Someone who's ready to
Give love a start with me

Oh yes, that would be so nice
Should it be
You and me
I could see
It would be nice

Someone to cling to me
Stay with me right or wrong
Someone to sing to me
Some little samba song
Someone to take my heart
And give his heart to me
Someone who's ready to
Give love a start with me

So nice, that would be so nice
Should it be
You and me
I could see
It would be nice

the future

2007-03-18T15:01:00.000+09:00

the same thing i've been pondering about of late is plaguing me again today... as i sit at the table, desperately trying to psyche myself into a work-churning mood for design and structural consult tmr... for construction consult on tuesday... the future..

school's killing me.. the stress.. the demands of us.... the expectation of us living up to these demands... not that they're unreasonable.. not from an archi perspective at least.... but my future in this seems so unclear now..... will i last? can i hold out in this ever-challenging and demanding world of design?

what does it hold for me... for us...... i want what i have now to last.... but how will that happen? indeed.... i think too much.. WAY too much for my own good... if only i could think that much about design... i wouldn't be in the rut i'm currently in...

are differences in beliefs, principles... character... what make a union unique and interesting, worth holding onto..? or will it destroy what we have...? they say "opposites attract"... indeed... they attract... but do they hold? *sigh*

not even sure why i'm thinking about all this... but these two songs are in my head just now.....

i really want you to be whoever you want to be... to do whatever you want to.... i just hope... i'm a part of what you want for your future.....

Burn by Nina feat. Christian Bautista

Do u wanna be a poet and write
Do u wanna be an actor up in light
Do u wanna be soldier and fight for love
Do u wanna travel the world
Do u wanna be a diver for pearls
Or climb a mountain, touch the clouds above

Be anyone u want to be
Bring to life your fantasies
But I want something in return

I want u to burn
Burn for me baby!
Like a candle in my night
Oh burn, burn for me
Burn for me!

Are u gonna be a gambler and deal
Are u gonna be doctor and heal
Or go to heaven and touch God's face
Are u gonna be a dreamer who sleeps
Are u gonna be a sinner who weeps
Or an angel under grace

I'll lay down on your bed of coals
Offer out my heart and soul
But in return

I want u to burn
Burn for me baby!
Like a candle in my life
Oh burn, burn for me,
Burn for me!

Oh
I want u to burn, baby
Oh
Laugh for me, cry for me
Pray for me, lie for me
Live for me, die for me

I want u to burn
Burn for me, baby!
Like a candle in my life
Oh burn, burn for me, baby
Burn for me

I want u to burn
I want u to burn... for me baby!
Oh yeah
Burn for me... (Burn for me)

Atlantic by Keane

I hope all my days will be lit by your face
I hope all the years will hold tight our promises
I don’t want to be old and sleep alone
An empty house is not a home
I don’t want to be old and feel afraid

I don’t want to be old and sleep alone
An empty house is not a home
I don’t want to be old and feel afraid

And if I need anything at all
I need a place that’s hidden in the deep
Where lonely angels sing you to your sleep
Though all the world is broken
I need a place where I can make my bed
A lover’s lap where I can lay my head
Because now the room is spinning
The day is beginning

expectations

2007-03-18T14:08:00.000+09:00

Expectations. No... not great ones... just the little ones along the way that we all have of people and ourselves in our everyday lives.... these little things we hoped and wished people would say or do.... little things that couldn't POSSIBLY get us all worked up and upset..... but the truth is.. THEY DO.

So often I find myself being "selfless" or "self-sacrificial", or at least that's what people on the outside see and think... that i'm doing many things and giving up many things for the those i love.... am i really? OR.. am i truly just being SELFISH? more often than not, we do things for others expecting something in return... doing something, putting in lots of effort, just so we may hear someone say "Good job!"... or going out of our way just so we may spend just that little bit more time with someone that means a whole lot to us... and hoping, just hoping... that maybe that little bit more time was as appreciated and treasured by that someone.........

and don't we all get just that WEE bit disappointed... when that "Good job!" or even any acknowledgement of appreciation, doesn't come our way... at least.... not in the way we imagined it would...

then comes the greater expectation.... not of praise or acknowledgement... something slightly bigger.... that people do the same for us. that someone works just as hard on something as we have.... be it projects, assignments, relationships.... and with a greater (however slightly) expectation comes, invariably,... a greater disappointment when it fails to take place......

SO. the solution is a simple one.. no? just... don't expect anything at all! do things YOU wanna do.... whenever YOU want to... if you wanna reorganise your timetable for the week, or take time off other important things like work and friends, just for that little bit of extra time spent with some people, go ahead and do it! do whatever it is that YOU want to...... just don't expect it to be done FOR YOUR SAKE.... don't even expect your efforts to be recognised....... BECAUSE YOU WERE HAPPY DOING IT ALL.... and that's reward enough... and if the reciprocation and recognition comes your way, that's a bonus... that's all it is.. a bonus..

easier said than done.

a time of celebration

2007-02-20T11:09:00.000+09:00

this week's been pretty bustling... yes. cos of the new year celebrations that the whole country's so involved in... even our non-Chinese friends have a part to play in them.. :)

funny though.. that i should call it "week" seeing as it's only been two days (make that one day and a morning) into the week... but i guess it's justified since celebrations have been ongoing since... saturday.. :) the usual scrambling to get the home neat and tidy, presentable for "guests" who aren't really all that guesty seeing as they're the closest relatives we have and have seen our home in all prior states of disaster... the helping out to cook lovely lovely peranakan dishes... the last minute rushing to buy stuff - drinks, goodies, ingredients, etc... reunion dinner and catching up with the relatives we were once close to.. but whom are now slightly distant.... one downside of grandparents passing on..... (one more to add to many....)

i miss ah por and ah gong.
i miss hearing her laughter, her cheeky chuckles...
i miss seeing his smile, that makes his eyes disappear....
happy new year ah por, ah gong...
wa nang jing sooi le

being the pig i was... i fell asleep immediately after dinner (not TOO worrying.. since there wasn't much consumed..) awaking only at 230am... spent the morning of chu yi watching *gasp* episodes 5 to 14 of heroes...... what a way to usher in the new year aye? *sheepish grin*

then the traditional bai jia... kneeling to offer blessings and good wishes to our parents... and to receive our red packets too of course... a tradition lost in most families... i mean.. who serves tea and red dates [read: SERVE ie. feeding] while on your knees nowadays?? but tradition for tradition's sake... i can deal with it...

red packets. somehow i've never thought of them as an integral part of lunar new year celebrations. which is somewhat odd i guess.. since... it seems to be that they are the main point of cny for some... do i take them for granted? no. do i not need the money? no.. we can all always use a little extra cash to line our pockets.... yet.. i've always never thought of them as important.... just a bonus to add on to the good food and good company and the opportunity to just.... catch up and have fun with everyone close.... a good excuse to binge... to gamble without appearing to be too much of a gambler.. :)

first days are almost always depressing... don't ask me why.. they just are.
bai jia will last the morning... while gu leh ji and gu leh niao (previously known as gu leh buay.. i've been instructed, after 20 years, to call him uncle small instead of uncle tail... cos it apparently sounds.. bad? *shrug* :)..) and their families (sounds like a lot but is actually only my second uncle, his son, third uncle, his wife and son....:p) ate nice lovely lovely peranakan food whilst waiting.... then they'll all leave for their in laws' or other relatives... and the choos are left stuck at home... snacking on mandarin oranges and new year goodies... chatting.. slacking... until dad decides he's ready to go visiting... this could take any amount of time.. anywhere between one and 4 hours.... then we embark on (before lucille's appearance) a squeezy car ride to the corners of the island... granduncle's wife in ubi, grandaunt in katong... that's usually the extent of our visitation... any attempt on my dad's part to add another [distant] relative to the list usually ends in a chorus of "but we're not even close!" from us sisters..... this year was a little different... "if you want we can go but i'll stay in the car" came from grumpy me......

okay. so maybe i make myself grumpy on first days.... *shrug* it's become a tradition i guess... :p

seeing the extent of our visitation list... second day this year was open house... THIS is tradition too... when all friends and relatives are invited to our home to chou re nao.... the best part of chinese new year if you ask me.... friends of sisters who've watched me grow up... all coming with their respective little families... spouses... who we once knew as boyfriends or girlfriends... first child-s who were all once tiny little sleeping babies, now all running amock chattering away... talking to one another... and with tiny little younger siblings sleeping in maid's arms or buggies.... friends of my own.. from school.... just a handful... to enjoy good food and company....

now i know exactly how it feels when they used to look at me and exclaim, in mock despair,"i feel so old!!!!".......

this year's cny.... quality time spent with sisters and family.... with you..... all the pleasant unplanned encounters.... yeah... i'm blogging about it.. :) because i'm grateful for every second of them all... grateful, thankful....

i love all of you... thanks for being a part of my life... :)

cancelling out

2007-02-16T17:35:00.000+09:00

this week's been a bit of a rollercoaster.. one of those mild ones you know? well... it's like.. being a kid on a mild rollercoaster ride... it ain't too rough on you but being a kid it's choppier than you need.... yeah.. that's my week....

it's a rare find... a single week in which you have (almost) the performance of your life... where of all the times you've ever performed.. this one felt the best.. most confident, relaxed, enjoyable and satisfying of all... and better yet, thanks to paul, being able to look back on it to treasure and improve.......

the jc class reunion i always look forward to... where the same anecdotes are repeated but everyone thoroughly enjoys them anyway.. where we see one another grow bit by bit since the last gathering... where we all treasure the opportunity to catch up on one another's lives... when we were once so close... and even the simplest dinner can be transformed into moments you really treasure...

the commercialised valentine's day and its gimmicks... that i refuse to give in to... that i've always refused to give in to... spent working... in great company.... a simple tze cha dinner eaten alongside a couple of unlikely companions, on this day at least.. and for the first time too.. an exciting yet stressful evening.. not exactly wanting to impress.. but definitely not wanting to let down or disappoint.... and it ends up being perhaps the best valentine's i've had........

my double tall 4pumps vanilla no foam latte after a really long day.... not the best i've tasted but... somehow was amazing, felt amazing.. the little pleasures in life....

these were the peaks...

then there were the troughs... of which there were simply too many to list down... that i don't wanna list down... the little disappointments here and there... the little plans you make and gear yourself up for that fall apart.... and leave you wishing it didn't really matter to you... and the feelings of hurt when plans change or get cancelled totally... leaving you trying to understand why... whether it just didn't matter to them... those you were meant to meet... that perhaps this meeting wasn't of importance to them... or at least, not of as much importance to them as it is for you....

then there was interim.

i'm increasingly getting the feeling that singing might be the only thing i'm good at and possibly.. the only thing i'll ever be good at.... some others excel at sports and/or academics... some are so great with their minds, their brilliance is their greatest asset... some others just brim with ideas and creativity...... like it just comes to them... then there are those who are great at ANYTHING and EVERYTHING they set out to do.....

lucky them then...

i'm me.... with only my voice to give my life any worth....... and only my voice for them to be proud of..... well... i guess if my singing brings joy to others, that's good enough... i shouldn't ask for more.....

and there i go ranting and rambling again... my apologies.. it's just i rarely get such a contradicting week... highs and lows all at once.. and sometimes it makes you wonder if they actually cancel out one another.... "life's all about balance".... maybe we need low points to full appreciate and cherish the high points....

whatever it is.. being in architecture's taught me to appreciate the simple things in life.. thanks i guess...

guess i'll sign off with this... no.. not an ego trip... just something i really enjoyed... and brought joy and pride to some others... so maybe it might to you too... *shrug* my one asset.. guess i should share it with those i care about....
http://youtube.com/results?search_query=tiffany+choo

thanks paul.

back to school...

2007-01-30T14:27:00.000+09:00

This entry's a little delayed... was written last tuesday.. but never got round to finishing it or posting it.. cos.. yeah.. fell ill again... so i guess the title isn't all that appropriate now... since i'm out of school for a bit again.. sigh... if there was a hell or purgatory of archi school i'd be burning there for all eternity... for committing the most cardinal sin on the face of this earth.. missing school for a week.. then two days.. and counting... *sigh* just hope noone else in studio's as ill as me... God bless me.... I need to get through this....

Being ill the past week's been.... well.. for lack of a better word. a blessing.

Okay. So i had a high fever that practically lasted 5days. And a brain that was permanently plagued by migrain and had to force potassium citrate down my oesophagus and a stomach that constantly threatened to (and did to completion, several times) hurl and a body and teeth that shivered and chattered uncontrollably.

The thing is... it really was a blessing. i was so well taken care of last week i almost didn't wanna return to school this week. i had no idea i was this lucky, having people who took such good care of me.... i'm happy. :)

So. Despite the truckloads of work there is to be done, and the troubles that circle about in my little head, and the notion that at some point, the sky really might fall on me.... i'm happy. thanks to you.

These two songs were playing last night[monday night] ... and i can't stop thinking about them.. so i've decided to share it...

Thank You by Dido

My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why
I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window
And I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be grey
But your picture on my wall
It reminds me
That it's not so bad
It's not so bad

I drank too much last night
Got bills to pay
My head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there'll be hell today
I'm late for work again
And even if I'm there
They'll all imply that I might not last the day
And then you call me
And it's not so bad
It's not so bad

And I
Want to thank you
For giving me the best day of my life
Oh
Just to be with you
Is having the best day of my life

Push the door, I'm home at last
And I'm soaking through and through
Then you handed me a towel
And all I see is you
And even if my house falls down now
I wouldn't have a clue
Because you're near me

And I
Want to thank you
For giving me the best day of my life
Oh
Just to be with you
Is having the best day of my life

The Way You Look At Me by Christian Bautista

Noone ever saw me like you do
All the things that I could add up to
I never knew just what a smile was worth
But your eyes say everything
Without a single word

'Cause there's something in the way you look at me
It's as if my heart knows you're the missing piece
You make me believe that there's nothing in this world I can't be
I'll never know what you see
But there's something in the way you look at me

If I could freeze a moment in my mind
It'll be the second that you put your lips to mine
I'd like to stop the clock, make time stand still
'Cause baby, this is just the way I always wanna feel

'Cause there's something in the way you look at me
It's as if my heart knows you're the missing piece
You make me believe that there's nothing in this world I can't be
I'll never know what you see
But there's something in the way you look at me

I don't know
How or why
I feel different in your eyes
All I know
Is it happens every time

'Cause there's something in the way you look at me
It's as if my heart knows you're the missing piece
You make me believe that there's nothing in this world I can't be
I'll never know what you see
But there's something in the way you look at me

The way you look at me

wish i had a pansieve..

2007-01-22T12:29:00.000+09:00

I guess the appeal of Harry Potter are all the magical ways of dealing (or not having to deal) with 'muggle' problems... I could really use a pansieve now... the amount of thoughts filling my little head.... but instead, i'm left to fend for myself, having to deal with them the way humans do... it almost amazes me though.. how such a small head like mine can hold so many different thoughts about various things all at once... no wonder i'm constantly having such bad headaches... bet it's overloaded... :p

then there's the issue of blogs.. where blogs are traditionally meant to act almost like pansieves do i guess... a platform for thoughts to be written out so as to be easily sorted? but that's not really how it's done is it? i mean... there are just SOME thoughts and feelings that can never be publicised like that... some things just can't be said and put on display for the world... no wonder some blogs are so cryptic.... but how does one ensure the relevant people understand what we want them to? and that others don't..?

so then that leads us to diaries/journals.. more private and personal... intimate almost... where we can share our innermost thoughts, worries, fears..... with 'one' who never judges or criticises.. nor in fact ever reacts/responds... where we can be who we really are and bare all... and even if someone were to read it all one day, it'd just be a reflection of a past you... and obviously, we all hope we've somehow grown and learnt from the past......

i really hope i've grown and learnt from my past...

it could be that me turning 21 this year is what's resulting in my being so pensive and contemplative of late.... that i'm almost constantly reflecting on what i've done in the past and what i'm doing presently... almost trying to think some sense into myself? i don't know... now i just seem to be ranting on about nonsense.. bleah.... :p

you're right... i think too much for my own good....

i'll signoff with lyrics of two songs.... one's for you... the other.. i just like alot.... and kinda reflects my mood of late....

Your Song by Brian Mcknight

Whenever we're alone
I get beside myself
Can't wait till you get home
It's you and noone else

When I look into your eyes
I see
This is more than just a dream
And everyday it grows
And I know
To be this is what's meant
The way I feel for you
There's no need to pretend

Just sorry it took so long
Well baby
Here's your song

I live for your laughter
Your happiness is all I'm after
Everytime you go away
You take a little piece of me with you

I long to see the sunlight on
Your face
You're the only thing in my life I can't replace
When it feels this right it can't be wrong

Just sorry it took so long
Well baby
Here's your song
Here's your song

It might be hard for you to sing along
Well baby
Here's your song

Breathe (2am) by Anna Nalick

2am and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season
Yeah we walk through the doors so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticise
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table
Noone can find the rewind button, girl
So cradle your head in your hands

And breathe
Just breathe
Oh breathe
Just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base of Fort Bliss
'Just a day,' he said down to the flask in his fist
Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year
Here in town you can tell he's been down for awhile
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it

'Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table
Noone can find the rewind button, boys
So cradle your head in your hands

And breathe
Just breathe
Oh breathe
Just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made
You'll just make them again
If you'll only try turning around

2am and I'm still awake writing this song
If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to

But you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table
Noone can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand

Yeah breathe
Just breathe
Oh breathe
Just breathe
Oh breathe
Just breathe

grey skies...

2007-01-20T05:11:00.000+09:00

4am on a saturday morning and i've no idea why i'm still pretty alert.. this past second week of term has been... well.. as productive as the first week i guess... cadding's actually going pretty alright.. (yes.. amazing i know.. it must REALLY be idiot-proof since i can use it.. :p)

has it ever crossed your minds how fascinating it is that the mind and heart can be so... detached.. for some people and totally sync-ed for others? i wonder how it feels to be able to compartmentalise one's feelings and thoughts.... personally, i've been known to be a messy mesh of everything, all that goes on in my mind and heart all just get thrown into a huge grey cement mixer and the end result is me...... an unsightly mess sometimes, simple grey blob other times.... but definitely not being able to separate cement from sand once mixed...... okay... maybe i'm missing BU too much.. this sem's BU module's got no math at all it's INFURIATING. :( *sigh*

anyway, a few more updates from the last entry.. and a few KEEN observations i've made.. :p

1. i'm a scalebar employee!! tuesdays 1200-1400hrs :)

2. fridays are my black days. (not in terms of mood.. in terms of colour....)

3. forensic science ain't worth the 700points. (it's fun but only cos dom paul and i are highly entertaining people to begin with... *cheeky grin*)

4. breathe 2am by anna nalick is a lovely song but sucks for public performances!! :(

5. shockwave's got a really cool new game.. carrie the caregiver (for baby-lovers who loved diner dash/cake mania.. :p)

6. there's no limit to the amount of florida's natural cranberry grapefruit juice that can be consumed... by me at least. :)

7. everyone should try peanut butter and bananas on toast. *swoon* (note: silent swoon since vocal cords/throat incapacitated due to peanut butter........:p)

8. as miss smith will cheerfully tell you, a teenager is anything that ends with "teen".. ("i'm three.. but i'm thirteen.. so i'm a teenager.. because there's a 'teen'.. twelve is not a teenager but 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19 are teenagers.. so i'm a teenager..") she is SUCH AN AMAZINGLY CLEVER LITTLE COOKIE. i told her that ONCE. cos she asked if i was a teenager.. had a bit of difficulty initially.. explaining to her i was already 20.. (yes.. difficulty due to nonapparent 20-ness of me.....) and thus, no longer a teenager.... this got her replying with a "but i'm a teenager right?".... thus my simple explanation of what a teenager is... :p simple but.. straightforward and pretty much captures the essence of it no? :p

i miss her.

9. chicken curry without coconut milk is for pansies! :) chicken curry is lovely....? :p

10. (last one already.. i promise!!) *clears throat* (silently again.. cos still suffering aftereffects of peanut butter bananas toast... :p) brace yourselves......

panadol extra taken without water tastes like industrial waste. even with serng buey to follow up..... :(

that's the brief update for this week... :) i'll leave you with lyrics to a song i've lost contact with for years... and i really mean YEARS... love the chorus.....

We Could Be Together by Debbie Gibson
this is for all you old people... :p

If I were an only child
I would be a lonely child
But baby we've got nothing to lose
I'm standing tall in my own shoes
I'll take this chance
I'll make this choice
I'll right this wrong
I'll raise my voice
If it means
We'll be together
For a while

I have never had a doubt
But for you I'll take time out
I'll push his love far away from me
And then I'll be completely free
I'll give up my security
For just the possibility
That we could be together
For a while

If you said 'Jump!' I'd say 'How high?'
If you said 'Run!' I'd run and fly
Just for the chance
Just for the moment
Should the moment pass us by
And if you ask once I'll tell you twice
I'll ignore the world's advice
If we could be together
For a while

I am taken by your strength
I've thought about it at great length
I thought that I was happy now
But there are things that I found out
Happiness means greater things
I'll sit here 'til the tel'phone rings
Then we could be together
For a while

If you said 'Jump!' I'd say 'How high?'
If you said 'Run!' I'd run and fly
Just for the chance
Just for the moment
Should the moment pass us by
And if you ask once I'll tell you twice
I'll ignore the world's advice
If we could be together
For a while

Wait'll I tell my guy (wait'll I tell)
Wait'll I tell my other friends
They'll all think I'm crazy
And ya know what
That depends
'Cos I'm crazy in love
With you
And everyone's best won't do
They'll say my hopes
Will not come true
But I'm taking the chance
Because you only live once
Only live once (only live once)

And

If you said 'Jump!' I'd say 'How high?'
If you said 'Run!' you know I'd fly
Just for the chance
Just for the moment
Should the moment pass us by
And if you ask once I'll tell you twice
I'll ignore the world's advice
If we could be together
For a while

There are no guarantees
But if it means
There's even a possibility
Then I'll give up whatever it takes
I know I've made mistakes before
It may be just another closed door
But we could be together
For a while

If you said 'Jump!' I'd say 'How high?'
If you said 'Run!' I'd run and fly
Just for the chance
Just for the moment
Should the moment pass us by
Ask me once I'll tell you twice
You know I'll ignore the world's advice
If we could be together
For a while

If you said 'Jump!' I'd say 'How high?'
If you said 'Run!' I'd run and fly
Just for the chance
Just for the moment
Should the moment pass us by
If you ask once I'll tell you twice
I'll ignore the world's advice
If we could be together
For a while

Don't you know that we could be together
For a while

it's been a long while...

2007-01-13T16:12:00.000+09:00

do people still bother dropping by here?? anyhow, please be understanding and allow me some time to get back on track with this whole blogging thing.. :p have tonnes of photos to show.. if only i upload them quickly enough.. haha...

updates on life..

hmm.. there've been quite a few changes in my life... people coming and going, flying in and out constantly over the last month.. sisters coming and going.. val's got a new job appointment in hongkong.. (brilliant excuse to go there now.. :p).. nat's got her new car.. mini cabriolet, ash grey i think... affectionately named "Bug a bee"... :) cherrie's kinda moved out... semi... ish..

and me. same old.. architecture second year second semester... stress levels still hovering around the same insane level... health more or less still hanging in the balance.. just really miss performing..... anyone have any gigs they need vocals for?? *frantic waving of arm in a "pick me! pick me!" manner*

oh. and for those of you who haven't heard. :)
saffron's back.. for a couple of months too... :) she's such a funny genius... have a few photos of her since she's been back.. and in case you havent already noticed either, www.welovesaffron.blogspot.com has made a comeback.. :) go check it out.. there're more photos here too... http://s92.photobucket.com/albums/l1/fi787072/
okay... photo time.. :)

the most recent of my photos, taken with my new baby Loomy.... :p panasonic lumix FZ 7... as you can tell, i'm not very imaginative with names.. hahaha..:p this was us girls taking a break from the torrential (okay.. so not THAT torrential at that moment..) rain in the Green Room of Phase Z.Ro development... site visit...

hahaha... was looking through old photos on my laptop.. and came across this one.. one of the sentosa beach tanning outings we cool, hip and happening archi students decided to go on.. :p i miss the sun... oh sun, sun... where art thou sun.. :p

argh.... something screwy with the uploading of photos again. AGAIN. i swear... it's like... part of the system of things or something.. that technology always fails me.. or maybe i just really am what i am.. the ultimate ITdiot.. :) another time then... take care people....

back to my lyrics business.. :p one of my favourite songs.. not sure if i ever wrote it here... been listening to it recently.. might be performing it too!! yay!! enjoy.. :)

Why by Avril Lavigne

Why

Do you always do this to me

Why

Couldn't you just see it through me

How come

You act like this

Like you just don't care at all

Do you expect me to believe

I was the only one to fall

I can feel, I can feel you near me

Even though you're far away

I can feel, I can feel you baby

Why

It's not supposed to feel this way

I need you, I need you

More and more each day

It's not supposed to hurt this way

I need you, I need you, I need you

Tell me

Are you and me still together

Tell me

D'you think we can last forever

Tell me

Why

Hey

Listen to what we're not saying

Let's play

A different game than what we're playing

Try

To look at me and really see my heart

Do you expect me to believe

I'm gonna let us fall apart

I can feel, I can feel you near me

Even when you're far away

I can feel, I can feel you baby

Why

It's not supposed to feel this way

I need you, I need you

More and more each day

It's not supposed to hurt this way

I need you, I need you, I need you

Tell me

Are you and me still together

Tell me

D'you think we can last forever

Tell me

Why

So go on and think about

Whatever you need to think about

Go on and dream about

Whatever you need to dream about

And come back to me when you know just how you feel

You feel

I can feel, I can feel you near me

Even though you're far away

I can feel, I can feel you baby

Why

It's not supposed to feel this way

I need you, I need you

More and more each day

It's not supposed to hurt this way

I need you, I need you, I need you

Tell me

Are you and me still together

Tell me

D'you think we can last forever

Tell me

Why

wow.

2007-01-08T06:21:00.000+09:00

oh my. I never thought i'd be able to get back to this blog.. i finally managed to find it by trying my luck with the multiple accounts warning they mentioned.. i never knew i had two accounts.. :p

so i'm back!!! and so's saffie heartthrob.. and so to start off with, here are just two lovely photos of the little girl at her 3rd birthday on the 12th of june 2006..

it's been a crazy 2006... many changes.. many events.. but i guess what's important is that i try to start a new year fresh.. (attempting to.....) meet tiffany, a second year architecture student, hopefully new and improved...

oops sorry.

2006-08-05T13:42:00.000+09:00

erm. I guess I didn't keep my end of the deal again. Honestly. I tried uploading photos for a whole day but there was something wrong.. either with my connection or my laptop. :p anyhow. this time should be better. more photos then. (keep your fingers crossed)

this was the little princess in her self-chosen dress and the auntie-fifi-made bridal bouquet, waiting outside 55 slaidburn street, while everyone double checked that they had everything... picnic blankets, cake stand, drinks (i miss the marks & sparks juices!!!!! and pimm's cans!!!! *swoon*), food.... *sigh* just the thought of it all makes my mouth water...

in the cab on the way to hyde park for the picnic... she's such a beautiful princess bride.. :)

heh... sheepish grin...

2006-07-31T22:18:00.000+09:00

Hey all [who still bother to stop by here after the loooong silence]... I don't know about you guys, but I've been having loads of fun/stress* these past few weeks... What with Freshman Orientation Camp (my reason for departing london so soon), Istana Pavilion and feeling obliged to help out Pek in Rag, as well as the non-existent Muji design entry.. heh.. Oh well.

SAFFRON'S BACK.

Guess that's the crux of it all. :) She's really a rascal and angel all at once.. A genius, a drama queen (possibly much like myself), a clever cookie, a beautiful princess bride (better known by her alias "Cinderella")... However did our genes produce such perfection?? (and yours too, of course, james.. :p)

*delete where appropriate, to help you feel like i understand how you're feeling too. :p

So. As a reward for all your long, hair-yanking, nail-biting waits, here are some lovely photos of our time in london.. and of course. her birthday party. :)

Presenting... ... ...

(I had to lift her into this blank spot within the rose bushes... she got frightened but i reassured her that it'd be fine if she didn't move and that she looked sooo pretty... "like a princess bride right??")

oops. loads to catch up on...

2006-06-18T23:08:00.000+09:00

Alright, i guess this is the stuff you people have been waiting for huh? Yes. PHOTOS. :)
Here goes...

This was the entrance to the Carling Brixton Academy, where the Goo Goo Dolls concert was held for two consecutive nights... There was a HORRIBLE queue by the time angie (paul's sister) and i got there... And we were an hour early!!! grrrr....

This was the poster for this concert... Pretty cool, i thought...:)

The inside of the Academy... before the guest band came on... "Director", apparently an Irish band... i LOVE their music.. am going to buy their album when it finally does come out... :p They were giving out free same cds of one of their songs though. And they already have a single out on the market... :) i'm waiting to buy it when i get back... HOPEFULLY they have it in Singapore. :( *cross fingers*

This was a nice park somewhere in the Swiss cottage area... Taken on the way to the Singapore Garden Restaurant (AMAZING food... *drooool* watch out for pictures later.. :p) to meet Auntie Annie (paul's mom) for lunch....

okay.. not sure what's up with the system... can't seem to load my pictures... next post then...

saffie's birthday party post mortem.. :)

2006-06-13T09:31:00.000+09:00

so... the end of saffie's birthday.. WELL.
Today didn't feel much like Saffie's birthday, mainly cos most of the celebration occurred yesterday instead. Today was just the opening of presents. Of course, usually (in my case at least) the "opening of presents" doesn't actually warrant a day/afternoon of its own. (there aren't usually enough presents to take up an entire afternoon...) However, in the case of the gorgeous (read: means very very very pretty... with background exclamation from the birthday girl,"i'm gorgeous right?") 3-year-old ("i'm number 3!") little girl ("i'm a princess bride! see? i'm wearing white."), she had a whole mountain of gifts. And here, i'm not exaggerating.. Not in the least bit. :p Evidence will be put up shortly to prove my honesty.

After the present opening was lunchtime!! What a treat having my mom up here... What a change from the last 3weeks... surviving on pricey restaurant food or homemade instant noodles. Lunch today was MAGNIFICENT. :) our very own feast of buah keluak. WOO HOO!!!! :) (yes.. HAHA.. drool you fools!! :p well... at least paul and andrea would.. :)..)

Then it was soccer time. You see, here in london, since the World Cup's begun, i've caught almost every match. I know haven't exactly been the soccer fanatic at home in Singapore but well... What can i say? Being here in england for the past three weeks, ive been subjected to all the pre-World Cup gearing.... :p practically every shop you look into has some reference to soccer.. All commercials are World Cup-related. It's really cool. It's infectious. :p
(Czech Republic rocked!!! :p)

Anyway, then it was mainly slacking.. but guess what?? We had my mom's curry for dinner... MUAHAHAHAHA... *evil grin* :p

Like i said, other than that, plus a nightcap (of cioccolata though, not alcohol.. ) at Carluccio's, saffie's birthday wasn't that much of an event. Yesterday however, was AMAZING. :)

Wish i had a birthday party like that.. Picture 14grownups and a 3-year-old sitting on 4picnic blankets in the middle of hyde park. :) We had a feast!!! Marks & Sparks... *swoon* i swear.. they should bring M&S Simply Food into Singapore... I'd be their top customer. :)
The birthday girl was dressed in a... (gaudy) pink princess dress, and she absolutely loved it. And i took it upon myself to make her a bridal bouquet.. of pink little flowers... GOD. it was soooooooo pretty.. and matched her dress so completely. :) she was so happy!! :) haha...

ooh!! Also, her birthday cake was a Barbiecake, meaning... the kind all little girls dream of getting, where a Barbie stands in the centre of a huge ballgown (aka cake) with royal icing for clothes!! :) she was absolutely delirious.. though.. that was probably the jetlag too.. :p she was behaving almost... drunk. hmm. maybe she takes after me a little too much. hahaha.. KIDDING. i don't behave drunk. ever. unless i am. but i've never been. so there.

ANYWAY, so.. her birthday celebration was a blast... i'd describe the individual components of the feast but.. i can't bear to... cos i'd start fantasizing about it all and i won't be able to sleep. :p maybe the photos can give you guys a glimpse of what the picnic entailed. When they DO get uploaded of course. :p

Alright then. off to bed. 2am here. ciao. or as saffie says,"Ciao bella!!" :)

P.S. in reply to some comments, i have no idea when i'll be back yet.. :( wish i did. will update you people when i get the info.
shels, i can't wait to meet up with you and jo!!! :)
tim, be patient. :)
daryll, you really should've seen charles. :p hope you've adapted well to being back home.. (you ARE back home already yeah??)
bMt, er... who are you? :p

all alone in lovely lovely london...

2006-06-08T01:53:00.000+09:00

So.. Sisters have left me all alone in london but i think it'll be cool.. Asked one of my seniors to come down to london to stay over with me. Since she's here visiting her brother in oxford, thought it'd be cool for her to pop down to london for a bit.. just to hang out and see stuff.. :)

Uber cool... The contractor for my sis' place came by today with his carpenter to look at some stuff: cracks, spoilt windows, faulty radiator, etc. And it was really odd cos.. the more i saw him, the more he (the contractor) looked like one of the design tutors we have in id.. Christian... I could've sworn they were brothers or something.. except, Charles (the Christian-lookalike.. wow.. even their names might fit as brothers...) seemed so nice and sweet and in no way lecherous!!! :p hahaha... I was practically having a giggling fit when this thought came to mind... but had to silence myself since.. a girl giggling to herself when all alone does seem a wee bit loopy.. :)

Anyhow.. What a difference today is from last week, when i had auntie annie and angie to spend time with and charity and michelle for a bit too.. Now everyone's gone!! :p Ah well... I can still reminisce with photos. :)

here's us girls at hampstead tube station (from left: 2nd sis natalie, friend celine, myself) the first saturday i got here... we were going fairy-paraphernalia shopping... scouting for stuff for saffie's fairy party*... The area is so nice.. almost quaint.. though.. still very much a town area... cobblestone walkways.. cafes all over the place.. very pretty.. :)

This was one of the streets we passed along the way.. "Back Lane".. so cute. haha... i love the brick. it's EVERYWHERE here.... in england.. Wish we had such buildings in Singapore... instead, our buildings are all so... contemporary.. :( all the metal and concrete... *yawn*...

ooooh!!! i took this for you paul!!! :) it's a patisserie that's almost everywhere in london.. :) and really pretty too! and apparently, has AMAZING confectionery. :p i wouldn't know.. haven't tried it yet.. (yes yes.. it's amazing i haven't tried it.. :p) anyhow, this one's for you paul. happy early birthday. :p (together with the early gift and all.. hee.. )

This picture's for myself.
How nice that something as lovely as a florist, with affiliations with the beautiful posh Chelsea Gardener might have the same name as me.
:)

testing one two three....

2006-06-06T19:19:00.000+09:00

Hmm... Yes amazing isn't it? Technologically-challenged me has actually started up a proper blog. *applause* It's probably just the boredom/fatigue that's setting in from waiting for the cleaner to finish up here at 55 Slaidburn Street... Restlessness is a horrible thing... Leads you to do things you might regret in future... or that others might regret you did.. haha.... (much like this probably will be.. :p)

SO! This will be my outlet for stress, happiness or any other vaguely strong emotion i might feel in the near future.. and hopefully, an adequate update on my non-exciting life (except the part about me being in london... for a month.. :p) for those who care about me.. :)

anyhow, here's the first of the london updates then...

banksy, an infamous graffiti artist here in london.. cool stuff around the place... this one's at westminster... near the london eye... the largest ferris wheel in the world i think.. :)

the famous huge london eye, on a lovely lovely bright and breezy tuesday... we (paul's mommy, sister and i) were on our way to the london eye pier to catch our river cruise when i couldn't help stopping to take pictures of it from afar.. :p the cruise was relaxing.. (well..actually, not quite.. the number of failed pictures i have of the undersides of bridges shames me.. and was pretty darn tiring too..) and really nice... cheap too!! relatively.. i recommend it to all first timers to london! :)

right then... shall stop here. need to go run some errands... :p ciao.

fi's silly nonsense

it's been a long time coming... again

it's been a long time coming

just some photos...

emotional fuckwittage

autumn sonata...

trains. the visual entry.

trains.

sombre sunday

emptiness

optimism

the act of crying

bad sleep in bed, good sleep on train

more on the not-so-fragrant* harbour

what's opposite of monday blues..?

relaxing weekend...

monday blues.. on a friday...

modelling

FINALLY.

back from the fragrant harbour and post polluted petronas-towers capital

fragrant harbour

promises

where do we go from here

freedom

the end

clingers

bored/restless

tired

problems

the end is near...

the future

expectations

a time of celebration

cancelling out

back to school...

wish i had a pansieve..

grey skies...

it's been a long while...

wow.

oops sorry.

heh... *sheepish grin*...

oops. loads to catch up on...

saffie's birthday party post mortem.. :)

all alone in lovely lovely london...

testing one two three....

heh... sheepish grin...